No Matter what You're Doing, it's Still There

The book I'm reading is called Wherever Nina Lies by Lynn Weingarten. Its about a 16 year old girl, named Ellie, whose sister disappeared 2 years ago. Since then, Ellie has been searching for that sister Nina. It's about her not giving up, no matter what happens.

When Ellie meets Sean, at a party, the instantly connect, and when Sean finds out Ellie's story, he offers to help, saying;

"There are some things a person just never gets over, that the phrase 'get over' doesn't really apply to. And when one of those things happens in your life, it doesn't matter how much time has passed, or if you're sitting alone in your room in in a party surrounded by a hundred people, and it doesn't matter if you're actually thinking about it or not because no matter where you are or what you're doing, it's still there. It's not just something that happened. It's become part of you."

After I read this line, I kind of just closed the book and thought for a few minutes. I heard the noises around me faintly, and they sounded far away. I felt like I wasn't there, but looking at myself. The way different things have become a part of me, thinking what and where I'd be if my life hadn't gone the exact way it did. As if every single part of me was caused by something else, and something else and something else. It made me think, It makes sense people believe in God. This couldn't just be a big coincidence. It seems so perfectly planned out, it couldn't possibly just be us, living as us, doing for us, all affecting each other in ways we didn't know, by coincidence. I remembered how earlier in the book Sean had said that it was obvious that the plan for them to meet was written long long before the were born.

This idea is so old, and so new. I've before thought to myself if I was making my own choices, or if someone else was. If I was controlled by myself, or just someone's puppet. I fantasized, maybe I was the character in a book. (Then I stopped thinking about that, hoping my book was one with a happy ending.) The idea of myself not knowing what my future is, but someone else knowing, someone else deciding who I'll meet and what I'll do and the promises I'll make, the ones i keep and the ones I don't, kind of disturbed me. If there is a God or a puppet-masterI hope he has what's best for me in mind.

I read on after a few more moments, but as I read, I thought about this character in this book, her motives, her reasons for what she does and what shes done. How Nina's disappearance affected. How she may be wondering whether her desicions are her own. Whether Sean realy truly believes in fate and destiny and all things corny, and believes that that is the true reason he met Ellie. What makes their connection so true, if its just a scripted scene in a play. If we're all actors in a pre-written story, is there any point to live it. Many people have said that they'd prefer death to life without freedom, but according to this idea, we really have no freedom. Or if we should just enjoy what we have- which is a world as close to freedom for many as it will get, and think not of this until it truly matters.

I think this book is playing with these ideas, ideas of people, and the choices they make, and what makes them make these choices, and if they really make them at all and the worlds just one big coincidence, of it maybe, some one else, somewhere else is calling the shots.