A letter to things that completely irratate me.

Dear Things,

I have noticed lately many of you have required a completely irritating demeanor. I would just like to call some of you out on it, so you know where we stand.

Clips. (For hair, paper and other things)
The first thing: You have a obnoxious tendency to get lost very easily. Though there is a impossibly huge number of you in the world, I find myself constantly buying more of you. Instead of falling on the ground and disappearing, perhaps you could stay in my hair, or on my paper.
Another thing: Why are you never big enough to hold what i need to? As hard as I may pull you open and clip you down, you're completely unable to contain more than 2 strands of hair or 3 papers. It seems as if your rather useless if you can do that
A specific note to binder clips
(the large black ones)
I strain my fingers over and over trying to open you by pushing down on your stupidly shaped metal wings. Well no more. If i really wanted, i could use staples. Or tape. If i was really desperate, a rubber band. Are you losing your job security? You should be. You could easily be replaced. Think about that.

More obnoxious things later, I need a nap.